Introduction: Embracing Change

Visual vs. Somatic Eating

With my bike in the shop and my body healing, I couldn’t lean on my bike commutes to keep counteracting my indulgence in every sweet that crossed my path and every excuse to support it. Sunday, March 10 was the “last supper” of frozen pizza and Half Baked Ben & Jerry’s before wrangling winter weight with both arms. I counted the pieces of pizza I had left- finishing a meal is always visual rather than somatic-and looked at the ice cream at the bottom of the pint and the two pieces of cookie dough I had strategically left as my last bite with an empty feeling that betrayed the one my body was actually sending. A memory began superimposing itself on this moment.

A Flashback to Old Habits

My friend’s loft in Dumbo- a neighborhood of Brooklyn, 2006: The bar is dry, the aerialist has dropped to the floor (yes, random New York parties in the "aughts" come equipped with random circus folk and yes, she was okay!), most have gone, and the “inner circle” of roommates and closest friends sit around passing out one by one. I am left with a negligent amount of cocaine.

The Depth of Addiction

At this point, it’s 89% desk dust, 4% eraser shavings, 6.88% dealer’s choice of baby aspirin, etc, and 0.02% cocaine. I kept cutting the lines into halves of a half of a half of a half… unwilling and unable to satify the ache of dopamine dumping into my brain needing more to return to stasis.

Recognizing the Problem: Addiction Beyond Cocaine

It was the same feeling cutting the last bite of ice cream into a half of a half of half refusing to be done.

I have an addiction and I need to take this seriously.

This is beyond “fat-phobia.” This is a compulsion on part with my 20-something cocaine-fueled nights in New York. Beyond the virtue signaling of, “oh, I shouldn’t!” there was the out of body experience of not being able to stop.

Self-Deception and Denial

Cocaine was obviously a problem, although I had little workarounds back then too to convince myself I didn’t have a problem: “I can’t be addicted. I never buy it! I never even ask for it!” Yet, I conveniently was always intentional about inserting myself into the situation where it would be made available to me- a cute, naive 21 year old freshly in the City.

The Turning Point: Seeking Help and Understanding

Despite being aware of the detriment of simple sugars, it’s too easy to see it as harmless. We’ve come so full circle that the research is being researched. “Is sugar THAT bad?”

For me, the answer was, “Yes.” The compulsion to buy Oreos (for the 2 of us) and “walking snacks” (for me) because I was feeling a mild panic thinking about waiting to go up 8 floors in the elevator- is a problem.

Learning from Experts: Andrew Huberman's Insights

I am immensely grateful to Andrew Huberman and his work and podcast. His episode on dopamine took me out of the shame cycle of binging sugar snacks and wanting to stop but feeling helpless. I learned about the “little ache” of wanting more. I also learned that it was within my power to reset my dopamine rollercoaster being jammed into overdrive with sugar binges.

Commitment to Change: The Six-Week Challenge

With full throated acknowledgement, I accepted that I was dealing with an addiction and had to treat it with commensurate dedication and seriousness. I took a 6 week abstinence from sweet treats. I handed over the gorgeous chocolate in my freezer to a trusted friend and told her to lose it for 6 weeks. Full disclosure- I didn’t go cold turkey off simple sugars. I still ate bread and fruit. I just stopped all obvious garbage: cake, things in individual wrappers, things with no discernible nutritional value.

Celebrating Small Victories

I chose 6 weeks because this was the graduation of my TTC students and I wanted to celebrate with them. When sugar was rare and valuable, it marked celebrations and I wanted to get to that kind of a relationship with it.

Reflections and Moving Forward

6 weeks later, I returned to the scene of the crime: Half Baked Ben and Jerry’s. One generous spoonful. That was it. And it was actually enough. I had done it- I had reset my brain and the feeling wasn’t one of accomplishment- it was one of peace.

Two weeks have passed. I have set a new benchmark to look forward to- I will celebrate my 2 year dance-iversary this week with my beloved dance family at Rueda. I gave up cigarettes more than 14 years ago- I still crave them. The craving never completely goes away. I think this is the same thing. The craving is there- craving as a system is intrinsic to our biology. But with the practice of awareness and mindfulness I now have systems in place to peacefully manage it.

The Actionable List

(I am not a trained substance abuse/disordered eating counselor and encourage those in need of support to start with the following resources linked below.)
Here, I share how I began tackling my addition with the following actionable steps.
1. Write it down. Having a tangible reference brings the focus to life. I used a habit tracker to write down: NO SWEETS as a daily goal.

2. Be clear on your “why.” There’s nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight but- why? The “why” needs to be consequential. If it’s for outside validation, that’s shaky ground because you can’t control people’s ideas or opinions. The more objective you can make the outcomes, the easier it is to avoid shame spirals when things slip.

3. Have smaller goals attached to a bigger picture. My daily tracker was a way to stay focused and build the habit in a small way every day rather than seeing an insurmountable goal of overcoming this addiction 100% in 6 weeks.

4. Clean house. This means of all stressful triggers but also generally- clean your space. Decluttering is almost like a ceremonial beginning to this journey. And practically speaking, clearer spaces are more conducive to a clearer state of mind.